The First 14 Hours of My Day

The times are close approximations.  The indentured servant-esque activities are real.

3:02 am.  Eli wakes up.  Nurse baby.

3:17 am.  Eli poops while nursing.  He falls asleep. 

3:18 am.  Get up to change sleeping, poopy baby.

3:19 am.  He’s awake.  He needs to poop some more.  Sit on yoga ball and wait for him to finish his business.  Yoga ball strengthens core, prevents baby from rolling onto floor, and helps legs not collapse in exhaustion.

3:35 am.  Back to bed.  Nurse Eli again.  Doesn’t work to get him asleep.  Proceed leg twitching-stationary baby bouncing.  Will rolls over and says “Did you say something?”  I say, no, I did not.  I note that apparently the sound of my youth being sucked into the ether wakes up my husband.  Interesting. 

3:45 am.  Set Eli down, pray he stays asleep.

4:10 am.  Finally drift off myself.

5:30.  Will’s alarm goes off to wake him in time to go to the gym before work.  I’ve liked him better than I do at this moment.

6:11 am.  Eli is back up. Nurse. He poops. Get up. Change him. Blah blah. Yoga ball.

6:45 am.  Eli is back to sleep.  I get up.

6:46 am.  Make coffee. Start oatmeal.  Will comes home from the gym.

6:52 am.  Switch laundry so cloth diapers are dry for next diaper change.

7:00 am.  Take a shower.  Get dressed.

7:28 am.  Tip toe out of room with sleeping baby.  Greet very awake 2 year old and her dad. 

7:35 am.  Get Edie dressed.  Take her to potty.  Help her add stickers to potty-training sticker chart.  Tell her she needs two more to get a book!  She tells me she wants a new book now, though.  I tell her, just two more! But she wants it now.  No one wins this argument.

8:02 am.  Eat oatmeal.  Drink glorious coffee.  Spend a few minutes with husband while I’m at it.  

8:10 am.  Edie jumps out of her highchair, wearing her huge long-sleeved oatmeal hazmat bib which is covered in said oatmeal.  She runs around shrieking with delight, yelling “I’m running away from you” to no one in particular.  As she approaches the couch with her hailstorm of sticky breakfast paste, Will snatches her and tells her “I don’t like this game, Edie.” in his sternest voice.  She shrieks again, with pure delight.  Will washes the child.

8:15 am.  I take the dogs on a walk.  A chore, but a privilege.  The air is as thick as soup, but it’s under 80 degrees and I am alone(ish).  We have a nice little walk.

8:32 am.  I am back.  Will wanted to leave for work two minutes ago.  He has packed Edie’s lunch as per my exacting, dictatorial instructions and I am pleased with this.

8:33 am.  Goodbye, dad.  Edie announces that when dad leaves, she's gonna cry.  She makes good on her promise.

8:35 am.  Edie goes to the potty.  Gets a sticker.

8:41 am.  Put together cloth diapers.  Straighten up house.  Simultaneously answer 9,000 questions of varying comprehensibility.  “What’s your favorite song, mom?”  “If I take off your hair, are you a daddy?”  “Do we go to school today?”  “Can I have a new book now?”  “I will not scream when you help me with my pants.  Is that a deal?”  Et cetera.

9:05 am.  Eli is awake.  Feed baby.  Change baby.  While I finish changing him, Edie announces she needs to go potty.  I tell her, GO TO THE POTTY, THEN!  HURRY!

9:18 am.  Set Eli in his crib to go help Edie in bathroom.  She gets another sticker.  And now has earned a new book.

9:21 am.  Gift Edie her book.  Read Edie her new book while Eli grows increasingly unhappy to be staring at his mobile.

9:30 am-9:55 am.  Dart from here to there trying to get us all out the door.  Pile lunch bag, mini diaper bag, baby carrier, Eli’s car seat, and large reserve diaper bag on to kitchen table.  Get Eli in car seat.

10:00 am.  Attempt to leave.  Note that Edie is newly shoeless. And unremorseful.  Beg her to get her shoes on.  Watch her blink at me with vacant, emotionless eyes.  Sigh and retrieve her shoes.  Put her shoes on.

10:06 am.  We are all in the car.  I google the address for the Science Center and we are off.

10:08 am.  Edie asks me to play Fibber Island on the radio (a song from a kids album).  I say not now.  She says I need to play In the Middle of the Block then (another song from this album).  I say, seriously, no.  I am not playing her music right now.  But she wants to hear Fibber Island.  No.  Ok. In the Middle of the Block, then.  Again, no one wins.

10:10-10:20 am.  Eli cries like his feet on are fire any time the car drops below 20 miles an hour.  I'll have to show him the movie Speed some day.  Bet he'll like it.

10:21 am.  Arrive at Science Center.  Pile out of car.  Pile into building.  Rifle through purse and breeze past crowd through member only lane.  I am still cool sometimes.

10:32 am.  Meet up with other moms and kids.  Commence trying to monitor Edie while Eli sleeps or nurses in the baby carrier.

10:40, 10:52, 11:10 & 11:17 am.  Ask Edie if she needs to go to the bathroom.  Answers: NO!

11:25 am.  Edie walks up to me having peed herself straight through to her shoes.  Eli senses that this is a good time to wake up and cry.

11:28 am.  Change Edie in bathroom.  Simultaneously breastfeed Eli in the carrier to prevent infant meltdown.  Get Edie out of bathroom and ask around for some Purell to kill off whatever flesh-eating-swine-turtle-encephalitis-virus she probably picked up from touching every surface in that bathroom.

11:40 am.  Ask another mom to mind Edie so I can go change Eli. 

11:42 am.  Change Eli.

12:00 pm.  Go to lunch room to eat.  Watch Edie spread hummus all over her person while I nurse Eli.  Eli poops himself.  Leave to change Eli again.

12:55 pm.  After dragging Edie out of the lunchroom, down the two flights of the Adventure Tower stairs, out of the gift shop, around the cement ramp to the parking lot, and into our car, we three arrive home.

1:02 pm.  Change Eli.  Set him in crib so I can get Edie ready for her nap.

1:15 pm.  Edie has gone potty, washed up, and put on pajamas.  Eli starts to cry.  I ask her to go read some books in her room so I can try to get Eli to sleep.  Miracle of miracles, she complies.

1:23 pm.  Eli isn’t asleep, but he’s fed and drowsy, so I try to put him down and rush off to Edie.

1:25 pm.  Attempt to rock Edie to sleep.  She opens her eyes once every 2 minutes to make sure she never ever falls into this accursed sleep. 

1:40 pm. Eli begins to cry.  Put Edie in bed.  Remove every toy and book from her room, save for her best teddy and security blanket.  She does not love this.  In fact, she's raging mad.  But so help me God, the child will nap.  Kiss her head and promise she gets it all back. AFTER SHE SLEEPS.

1:42 pm.  Pick up Eli.   Change him.

1:50 pm.  Nurse Eli and rock him to sleep, all while typing this post with my non-dominant hand.

2:00 pm.  Call Will.  He picks up, but is a little too busy to chat.